


No Pulses

by brickhousewriter



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 10:44:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5494322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brickhousewriter/pseuds/brickhousewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What exactly is a <i>pulse</i> Agent Carter?”</p><p>Agent Carter sat up straighter in her chair and clasped her hands in her lap. “Oh, I’m sorry sir.  I believe you Yanks call them <i>legumes</i>.  A pulse is any dried seed, like peas, lentils, chickpeas, and beans.   They’re low fat, high in protein and fiber and rich in minerals…”</p><p>“Beans?”  Phillips raised an eyebrow at her.  She thought she saw a twinkle in his eye.</p><p>“Yes sir.”  She nodded, “Pinto beans, kidney beans, navy beans.  All pulses sir.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Pulses

Agent Peggy Carter burst through the doors of the base and stalked down the hallway towards her office.

The guard took one look at her mud-caked boots, the dirt on her uniform, and the scowl on her face and merely saluted her as she stormed past. Even though she was based in London, Agent Carter was a regular visitor to Reading AFB, and even under all the filth, he still recognized her. No need to ask for her identity card, not when she was so clearly fresh off a mission. He’d heard the waves of bombers returning, she must have just gotten in.

As she sailed past him he caught a whiff of something noxious. “ _What_ is that smell?”

“Don’t ask.” Peggy snarled, and continued down the hall.

***

Half an hour later she burst into Colonel Phillips office without knocking and dropped a report on the corner of his desk.

“Agent Carter, didn’t you just get back?”

“Yes sir, and now I’m leaving again.” She saluted and was out the door before he could say anything else.

As Phillips picked up the folder on his desk and flipped it open, he thought, “ _What_ is that smell?”

***

The next morning Agent Carter was not particularly surprised when she was summoned to Colonel Phillips’ office. She’d fully expected to be called on the carpet for her behavior the night before.

“Good morning sir.” She saluted and stood stiffly at attention in the middle of Phillips’ office.

Phillips returned the salute. “Have a seat Agent.” He pointed towards the chair.

“Thank you sir.” Carter sat down on the straight back chair facing her commanding officer.

Phillips tapped the khaki colored folder in the center of the blotter on his desk. “This report you dropped off yesterday.”

Peggy nodded, “Yes sir, I felt it couldn’t wait.”

“But, it’s _not_ your mission report.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. He’d already read the single sheet of paper inside the file.

“No sir. I’m working on that right now. I should have it to you by end of day.”

“The mission was a success?” Phillips hadn’t received a single report yet from any of the Howling Commandos. Carter was usually always the first to file her reports.

“Yes sir. Very much so sir.”

“But you wrote this,” he tapped the folder, “before your mission report?” It was odd. Quite odd. And very unlike Carter.

“Yes sir.” She nodded, “I felt it was urgent sir.”

“So urgent that you felt it needed to be done before reporting the success of a critical mission to your commanding officer?”

“Yes sir.”

Phillips frowned again. This was troubling behavior coming from one of his best Agents.

“Agent Carter, I’m afraid I’m not quite sure that I understand any of this.” Phillips flipped open the folder and started reading selections from her report.

_There is a strong link between diet and operational efficiency. Soldiers must eat a healthy diet in order to be fully combat ready. While every effort has been made to ensure that the population of Britain and her armed forces are supplied with sufficient nutritious food to perform their duties, I fear that the wartime rationing instituted by the Ministry of Food may have an adverse effect on not just troop efficiency but morale as well._

And then this bit about the rations available for the British forces compared to the Canadian and American forces.

_It is the recommendation of this Agent that the Strategic Scientific Reserve attempt to find a way to increase the amount of protein in the diet without relying too heavily on pulses._

_In short, we should try to limit pulses in the diets of those soldiers who are routinely being sent on stealth combat missions, engaging in espionage, or expected to infiltrate enemy territory._

“What exactly is a _pulse_ Agent Carter?”

Agent Carter sat up straighter in her chair and clasped her hands in her lap. “Oh, I’m sorry sir. I believe you Yanks call them _legumes_. A pulse is any dried seed, like peas, lentils, chickpeas, and beans. They’re low in fat, high in protein and fiber and rich in minerals…”

“Beans?” Phillips raised an eyebrow at her. She thought she saw a twinkle in his eye.

“Yes sir.” She nodded, “Pinto beans, kidney beans, navy beans. All pulses sir.”

Phillips cracked a very small smile. “I see.” Yes, there was definitely a twinkle now. “So you think the men have been eating too many pulses now do you?” He put down the file and tapped it with a finger.

Carter saw the smile and gave a slight frown. “I’m not quite sure you understand sir.”

Phillips smiled even wider. “So explain it to me Carter.”

Carter sighed. This was going to be harder than she’d thought. “Sir, how can I put this?”

“I don’t know Agent Carter, I’m sure you’ll find a way.” The Colonel waited patiently for her to explain herself.

“Last night, on my mission to retrieve the team from occupied territory…. Sir, I was trapped in a plane for six hours with twenty men who had been living on a diet of little more than canned beans for the past week.”

Colonel Phillips covered his mouth with his hand. He sat back in his chair. He did his best to try to look grave. The frown lines on his forehead deepened as he thought about what she’d just said.

Finally he spoke. His voice sounded a bit strained, “I think I may see what you’re getting at Agent.”

Carter shrugged her shoulders. “It’s simple biology sir.”

“And did they?” Phillips asked delicately, raising his eyebrows.

“I’m afraid they did sir.” Carter nodded assent. “The entire trip home.”

Peggy sat in silence while the Colonel’s brain worked through the implications of what she’d just shared with him.

He frowned. Flipped out the folder and scanned through her report again. Then he frowned again. He chewed his lip.

Then he closed his eyes.

It was a small thing at first. Just the slightest upturn at the corners of his mouth. The frown lines in his forehead deepened as the corners of his mouth turned up more, as if he was at war with himself.

And then suddenly he lost the battle. He made a noise that sounded like a hiccup. Then he couldn’t hold it in any longer and he threw his head back and laughed out loud.

It was a full belly laugh, deep and loud. And the longer he laughed, the harder he laughed. His corpsman stuck his head into the office to see what was the matter, but Phillips just waved him away and kept on laughing. The Corporal quietly closed the door and decided that it wasn’t any of his business if his commanding officer had completely lost his marbles. The War Office would be sure to assign him to someone else once the men in white coats came for Phillips.

Agent Carter just sat, hands clasped in front of her, waiting for the Colonel to recover his composure.

Finally, Phillips got control of himself again. “So, Agent Carter.” He cleared his throat. “How exactly did you handle this situation?”

Carter wasn’t quite sure what the Colonel wanted to hear. Best be honest with him. Honesty was always the best policy. “Well sir, at first I didn’t do anything. I thought perhaps it was some sort of hazing ritual and it might be best to ignore it.”

“Hazing ritual?”

“Yes sir, as it was one of my first missions flying along with the team. I thought it might be some sort of initiation. Or a joke perhaps, because I’m a female.”

Phillips raised an eyebrow. “So how did you handle that Agent?” He hadn’t been sold on the idea of Carter working with the Howling Commandos, but Rogers had insisted on it, so he’d allowed it.

“I did the only thing I could do sir." She shrugged her shoulders. "I joined in.” Carter pursed her lips, not sure how that admission would go over.

“Really?” Phillips cracked a smile again.

“Yes sir, I’m afraid that the luncheon served in the canteen before I left to retrieve the team had been beans on toast.” Carter looked a trifle embarrassed.

Phillips slammed a hand on his desk. “Agent, are you telling me…?”

“I’m afraid so sir. No way around it sir.” Now she really was embarrassed.

Phillips laced his hands together on top of his desk. Peggy noticed that his knuckles went white. His voice sounded strained again, as if he was struggling for control. “So, let me see if I get this straight?” He paused and took a deep breath. “Twenty men and one woman. Who have been living on a diet of beans for the past week. All trapped together on a plane.”

Peggy nodded. “That’s about the gist of it sir, yes sir.”

Phillips wiped a hand over his face. “How bad did it get Agent?”

“During the worst of it, Sergeant Dugan actually offered me his gas mask sir.”

Phillips smiled again. “That bad huh?”

She nodded. “Yes sir, that bad.”

“I would have thought Dugan’d just hide behind one of those smelly cigars he smokes.”

“I’m afraid that it was so bad that the pilot forbade anyone to smoke. He was afraid that we might catch fire or cause the plane to explode sir.”

And that set the Colonel off on another round of laughter.

Finally the colonel pulled out his handkerchief and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Thank you Agent, you have no idea how badly I needed that.”

“I’m glad I could be of service sir.” Carter nodded. “But I really must stress sir, if the men are on a covert mission, excessive flatulence could get them killed. They’re not exactly quiet about it you know.”

Phillips chuckled again. “Point taken Agent. Point taken. I’ll talk to the Quartermaster and see what I can do. I’m afraid there’s not much choice about rations when we’re on base, but I’ll see what I can do the next time you’re sent off on a mission with those Neanderthals.”

“Thank you sir. Will that be all? I still need to finish writing my mission report sir.”

Phillips chuckled to himself again. “Yes Agent. Dismissed.”

Carter stood up to leave, but paused at the door. “Sir, you won’t discipline them for it will you?”

Phillips waved his hand. “No, no need for that.” But then he grinned at her. “However, I might have to put a commendation in _your_ file. For bravery under fire.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story brought to you by beans and weenies for dinner last night.


End file.
